Monthly Archives: November 2012

[is there a fly in my soup?]

I’m sure by now you’ve all read — or at very least heard about — the scathing review that Pete Wells of the New York Times gave to Guy Fieri’s Times Square restaurant Guy’s American Kitchen.

Feiri, host of Food Network’s “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives” and wearer of shirts with flames on them had a pretty rough week. The vicious review garnered more page views than any article on the NYT website that week. It’s considered “the worst review” in the paper’s history.

On the first reading I have to admit I found myself laughing, as most of us did. It was brutal. It was diabolical. It was sarcastic. Then I went back a few hours later and re-read it. Something happened. I did a total 180. I actually found myself siding with Fieri, almost feeling bad for him.

The article was pretty rough and perhaps rightfully so, but was it professional? Was it worthy of a place in the New York Times? That’s debatable and worth discussing.

As someone who has handed out his share of bad reviews. In fact, the lion’s share of my college journalistic endeavors consisted critiques of things I knew would suck. I once went to a matinee screening of “Son of the Mask” whilst hungover just so I could spit out witty observations. My first article for my college newspaper was a comical review of the very serious “The Passion of the Christ” (a review that earned me accolades of my peers and threats from numerous students). You’d think this type of thing would be commonplace for me, but this review even made me squirm. It seemed, in many ways juvenile.

First off, let’s look at the article itself. It’s nothing more than a series of rapid fire questions. 34 in total. Hardly groundbreaking journalism. Who does he think he is…Carrie Bradshaw? Fans of “Sex in the City” will get that last joke. I myself have been guilty of this style of writing, did it a few times in this article. But to base a whole article around the whole thing seems a bit over-the-top. Actually, it was downright gimmicky.

Wells has stated that this was his fourth visit to the restaurant and all four times the experience was sub-par. So maybe Wells is right. Maybe he did deserve the poor review, but was it called for to go about it in such a manner? Slamming Fieri is like shooting fish in a barrel. I mean, let’s be honest, the phrase “Donkey Sauce” doesn’t sound the least bit appetizing. But that’s his shtick. His modus operandi. He’s made a career off it, so i can’t really knock it. His target audience isn’t your average NYT reader. Hell, his target audience isn’t even your average New York City resident. The restaurant is in Times Square for a reason: tourists. Not to say that tourists don’t have refined palates. What was Wells expecting anyways, haute cuisine? He knew what he was getting into before the first time he set foot in the joint.

It’s easy for a Guy like Wells to rip on Fieri. He’s not from NYC, so right away there’s an air of “he’s not from here” prevalent in the review. Fieri is ripe for parody. The bleached blonde hair, the goatee, the sunglasses on the back of the head, the California surfer lingo, the ridiculous wardrobe…it’s almost too easy to make fun of. He’s been lampooned on SNL (hilariousIy I might add) and is often the butt of many jokes by other professional chefs.

After the review Fieri went into damage control appearing on the Today Show to discuss the article. He chalked it up to a critic with an agenda (plausible, but also perhaps reaching a bit) and the fact that the restaurant has only been open for two months. The latter is a bullshit defense and frankly I’m not buying it. That’s an excuse afforded to a Mom & Pop pizza joint on opening night. It’s not as if Fieri is an inexperienced restauranteur. He’s opened up two other restaurants (Johnny Garlic’s and Tex Wasabi’s), so it’s not as if this is his first rodeo. He’s far from being green and to blame it on it being right after the place has opened, regardless of the size, is a poor excuse.

In Wells’ defense, I myself wasn’t too blown away by reading the menu. It was if anything basic chain pub-fare kicked up with silly names and superfluous adjectives. I’m not saying I’m above dining on such a style. I’d prefer a simple steak and a nice glass of scotch.

I would like to get one thing straight, I am not defending Fieri. If the experience Wells had was as poor as he has suggested then by all means, a bad review is certainly warranted. But the style Wells used was better suited for a blog. It reeked of snark and vitriol. I get it, he had an awful meal at the restaurant of a celebrity chef, but how much of the review was to generate page views? How much of this was merely an attempt to create attention to the newspaper? Was Wells merely serving his own inflated ego when he dished out the lambasting series of questions in a mocking manner? Did he feel good about himself when the article went viral? Did it make him feel like he accomplished something? Did it? No really, did it?

See, I can do that too. It’s easy. Almost too easy.

[canine academy: lessons learned from my puppy]

Throughout my life I have had a wide cast of characters who contributed to my personal growth from boy to man. Role models from all walks of life who have taught me lessons which, whether they know it or not, have shaped me into who I am today.

But some of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned recently have not come from a mentor, but from a 60-pound Lab/Pointer. Yes, I’m talking about my dog. I know what you’re thinking, that I’m crazy. That it’s cliché to get all emotional about your dog. And you’re right. If I had a dollar for every god damn “I love my dog and here’s why” article I wouldn’t have to struggle to make it as a blogger. But I’m going to write it anyways. Through him I’ve earned qualities which have eluded me my whole life.

I’ll never forget the day that I met the little guy. My wife was having a pet adoption event at her work to benefit a local animal shelter. I was given a simple chore: drop off a few donated supplies. I most certainly had no intentions of adopting a puppy that day. In fact, when the idea came up the night before I quickly shot it down.

“Absolutely no” I said “we have our hands full as it with one dog.”

Besides. I wanted a French Bulldog and unless there was a perfect Frenchie who met my strict qualifications I wasn’t leaving with a puppy. But when I arrived at the event and she quickly handed me a tiny, sleeping Lab my demeanor quickly changed.

He looked at me all droopy-eyed, all 10-pounds of him and I knew then that I had found my dog. We spent the better part of the next few hours attached to each other.

Once we decided that we wanted him for our own I figured: “Cool, I’ll teach him a few tricks. Little did I know that he would be teaching me.”

We named him LeMonde, which means “the world” in French. A fitting name for a pup who quickly became part of our world.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

Expect the unexpected-
Dogs keep you guessing. One minute we’ll be on a slow walk through the park and a squirrel or bird or leaf will grab his attention and he’s off. You’ve got to be ready for that. Dogs will keep you guessing. You’ve got to be on your toes.

Check your feelings at the door-
Everyone has bad days particularly at the office. But a dog doesn’t have a 9-to-5 job. A dog doesn’t know about car payments or bills or deadlines or a micro-managing boss. They can however pick up on bad vibes and they will do their best to cheer you up. Still, that’s no reason for you to bring negative energy to them. Most of the stress you have melts away as soon as you see their wagging tail.

It’s a game of give and take-
When we got our other dog, Bella (a sweet and affectionate, but also temperamental Boston Terrier) she came fully house broken. LeMonde came to us as a blank canvas. An unpredictable blank canvas. Our days and nights revolved around his bathroom schedule which we managed to iron out in only a few days. We sacrificed, personal time and our social lives for the benefit of our little guy, but it paid of greatly.

Old habits die hard-
You know how I said “dogs keep you guessing,” remember that? They are also creatures of habit. You’ll quickly find that once your dog gets in a routine it is virtually impossible to break. Dog wakes you up early a few mornings in a row? Say hello to your new alarm clock. Since we got LeMonde over a year ago I haven’t once used my alarm clock. Not once. You’ll notice that almost like clockwork your dog will do the same thing at the same time. Day in, day out. They don’t mind this repetition. To them, this is what they know. And as long as the routine isn’t destructive, it’s best to just let them do their thing. Does he have a “go to” chew toy at a certain time? Good let him have it. Happy puppy means happy owner.

There were other lessons along the way too. Stuff like “never expect to keep a pair of socks in order” or “lazy time is just as fun as play time” and a whole host of other things that I haven’t mentioned. Having a puppy isn’t easy. It isn’t hard either. It’s this weird balance. But it’s sure as hell rewarding. I could go on ad nauseum, but right now there are two snoring puppies on the couch that need cuddling.

[canine academy: lessons learned from my puppy]

Throughout my life I have had a wide cast of characters who contributed to my personal growth from boy to man. Role models from all walks of life who have taught me lessons which, whether they know it or not, have shaped me into who I am today.

But some of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned recently have not come from a mentor, but from a 60-pound Lab/Pointer. Yes, I’m talking about my dog. I know what you’re thinking, that I’m crazy. That it’s cliché to get all emotional about your dog. And you’re right. If I had a dollar for every god damn “I love my dog and here’s why” article I wouldn’t have to struggle to make it as a blogger. But I’m going to write it anyways. Through him I’ve earned qualities which have eluded me my whole life.

I’ll never forget the day that I met the little guy. My wife was having a pet adoption event at her work to benefit a local animal shelter. I was given a simple chore: drop off a few donated supplies. I most certainly had no intentions of adopting a puppy that day. In fact, when the idea came up the night before I quickly shot it down.

“Absolutely no” I said “we have our hands full as it with one dog.”

Besides. I wanted a French Bulldog and unless there was a perfect Frenchie who met my strict qualifications I wasn’t leaving with a puppy. But when I arrived at the event and she quickly handed me a tiny, sleeping Lab my demeanor quickly changed.

He looked at me all droopy-eyed, all 10-pounds of him and I knew then that I had found my dog. We spent the better part of the next few hours attached to each other.

Once we decided that we wanted him for our own I figured: “Cool, I’ll teach him a few tricks. Little did I know that he would be teaching me.”

We named him LeMonde, which means “the world” in French. A fitting name for a pup who quickly became part of our world.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

Expect the unexpected-
Dogs keep you guessing. One minute we’ll be on a slow walk through the park and a squirrel or bird or leaf will grab his attention and he’s off. You’ve got to be ready for that. Dogs will keep you guessing. You’ve got to be on your toes.

Check your feelings at the door-
Everyone has bad days particularly at the office. But a dog doesn’t have a 9-to-5 job. A dog doesn’t know about car payments or bills or deadlines or a micro-managing boss. They can however pick up on bad vibes and they will do their best to cheer you up. Still, that’s no reason for you to bring negative energy to them. Most of the stress you have melts away as soon as you see their wagging tail.

It’s a game of give and take-
When we got our other dog, Bella (a sweet and affectionate, but also temperamental Boston Terrier) she came fully house broken. LeMonde came to us as a blank canvas. An unpredictable blank canvas. Our days and nights revolved around his bathroom schedule which we managed to iron out in only a few days. We sacrificed, personal time and our social lives for the benefit of our little guy, but it paid of greatly.

Old habits die hard-
You know how I said “dogs keep you guessing,” remember that? They are also creatures of habit. You’ll quickly find that once your dog gets in a routine it is virtually impossible to break. Dog wakes you up early a few mornings in a row? Say hello to your new alarm clock. Since we got LeMonde over a year ago I haven’t once used my alarm clock. Not once. You’ll notice that almost like clockwork your dog will do the same thing at the same time. Day in, day out. They don’t mind this repetition. To them, this is what they know. And as long as the routine isn’t destructive, it’s best to just let them do their thing. Does he have a “go to” chew toy at a certain time? Good let him have it. Happy puppy means happy owner.

There were other lessons along the way too. Stuff like “never expect to keep a pair of socks in order” or “lazy time is just as fun as play time” and a whole host of other things that I haven’t mentioned. Having a puppy isn’t easy. It isn’t hard either. It’s this weird balance. But it’s sure as hell rewarding. I could go on ad nauseum, but right now there are two snoring puppies on the couch that need cuddling.

this not a dream. not a dream. we are using your brain’s electrical system as a receiver. we are unable to transmit through conscious neural interference

Over the next few months [miscellany media] is going to get a HUGE makeover. I know I’ve been promising this for the longest time, but this time I mean it. Those other times I said it were merely filler. Soon, I will be taking on writers to my site here.

That’s right, friendos. Unlike other local blogs, I will actually bring on additional writers. I started this thing from the ground up. Started the podcast, the website and all social media content. All without zero help from anyone. Hell, I’ve had friends do all they could to try and make sure that this site failed. But try as they may, this site is still here. It may not be the slickest site out there. I’m not going to win any “best In Buffalo” awards. I won’t be invited to any blogger summits locally. I don’t have thousands of readers. But what I lack in talent, content and substance, I make up for in pure wit.

Soon things will be expanding. Do you have what it takes to join the [miscellany media] army?

Drop me a line at:
miscellanypodcast@gmail.com

or follow me over the Twittersphere at: twitter.com/miscellanymag

sweet f.a.,
[bryan von]